Torn

I am constantly torn between sticking around and leaving. Everyone wants to know that there is someone out there who loves them unconditionally, who will go through any storm, and loves them when they are loveless and undeserving. I want to be that person for you. But I'm afraid of wasted efforts. I'm afraid of wasting too much of myself trying to save a drowning person. I am afraid of losing a greater opportunity to appear in front of my doorstep, waiting for me to notice that it has always been there.

I hope you find that hope which inspires you to be better, the hope to reach for more, and to never stop until you get there. I hope you will remember me as one of those people who wanted nothing but good for you. I have been praying for a little miracle to happen where you will finally have the courage to pursue a better you, to make right with the wrong things done, and to soften the edges in your life. I hope that in that time we will belong again. I hope if you ever find yourself inspired, motivated, and ambitious again, that I will be with you along the ride. But until then, I need to stay away and wait. Hopefully, indefinitely.

I Want To Know...

I want to know how deep the wound is to better understand the way it scarred. Maybe I can pour love into the holes and stitch the cracks back together. I've been having a habit of falling in love with what is broken. Maybe because it reminds me of my own. I want you to know that not everyone appears to be the way they seem.

To Just Forget

I have often told other people to swallow your pride because it will never fix your relationship between another person. But when it comes to saving yourself from the pain I somehow wish I had a little pride to love myself more. I guess I admire those who do have the courage to move on very easily. To have the perseverance to care for themselves instead of caring too much about other people who end up hurting you. I wish I was strong enough to just let things go… To just forget.

Good Bye 2012

This whole 2012 for me has made big impacts in my life. I can’t even put them all into words and write about how at some point I was the happiest person I know to being the unluckiest of all. I was in love with someone I couldn’t imagine being with, I was pushed away by the people I love and people I didn’t know, I spent most of my little days left in my country being with the happiest people I know, I left my hometown and said goodbye to the most wonderful people I’ve met and grew up with, I struggled between right and wrong, I was betrayed, I lost someone I love because of death, I felt lonely and lost and was heart broken. I somehow can’t explain how I truly feel anymore, about myself, and I try not to blame these things as to why I feel so numb now. I know that I should keep a positive mind especially now that a new year is coming up. It’s about time for me to let go of 2012, it’s about time for me to welcome better memories…

My Angel

Hi, Mama. I never really got to write you a letter in my notebook because I didn’t know where and how to start it and if I did I know I’d probably fill the whole notebook with all your stories, but I really miss you Ma. I hope you are resting well up there. I wish I could hug you right now. I miss it when I was little because I get to hug your soft belly and your unconditional kisses everywhere were the best, especially that certain sound you make with your nose when you kiss me. You’re my angel now Ma and I know that where ever I go, you will always be with me, in my heart forever. I love you always.