It's Okay

It'll always be okay. That's it, that's all it will ever be. It will never be better, worst, or spectacular. Everything is always "okay" and my feelings have remained stagnant in a roller coaster ride - it doesn't move anywhere but keeps going in circles. I always have to find some kind of understanding in everything that comes my way. Even when crap comes to worst, expectations come running, begging me to turn the other cheek and say "it's okay." But honestly, I wish I didn't have to always understand.

Pain isn't something new to me. I've scraped my knee, broken my little pinky toe. I occasionally collide myself against a hard surface and find bruises here and there. Emotionally, I've felt pain too. Far too many significant others have crossed my path. Far too many have left, and I have left far too many. Rejection occurs more times than I'd wish. And same goes with failure.

To be honest, I'm scared out of my mind right now. Completely afraid of the future. Am I making too irrational a decision? Am I going too fast? Too slow? Is this right? Too many times before I've doubted myself the same way I do now, and sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

There are days where I feel so capable and invincible. And then there are days like these that make me question where I'm headed. I doubt my own potential because of the flaws in my work or my lack of motivation to start over and over again. This isn't the time to mope and cry. I should be conquering my dreams right now, but somehow I can't believe in myself simply because the thoughts I'm thinking won't flow smoothly into words. I feel too drained and weak. The life I'm leading and the one I want to lead seem so, so far away.

But I want to hang on, to know what happens next. I want to keep moving forward no matter how tired I feel. I want to remind everyone that "it's okay" not be okay sometimes. Never pull the trigger just because things didn't happen the way you'd hoped for. This too shall pass. It will be better, it will be worst and it will be spectacular - believe in that. Things get better in time, they always, always do.

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