I Want To Know...

I want to know how deep the wound is to better understand the way it scarred. Maybe I can pour love into the holes and stitch the cracks back together. I've been having a habit of falling in love with what is broken. Maybe because it reminds me of my own. I want you to know that not everyone appears to be the way they seem.

To Just Forget

I have often told other people to swallow your pride because it will never fix your relationship between another person. But when it comes to saving yourself from the pain I somehow wish I had a little pride to love myself more. I guess I admire those who do have the courage to move on very easily. To have the perseverance to care for themselves instead of caring too much about other people who end up hurting you. I wish I was strong enough to just let things go… To just forget.

Good Bye 2012

This whole 2012 for me has made big impacts in my life. I can’t even put them all into words and write about how at some point I was the happiest person I know to being the unluckiest of all. I was in love with someone I couldn’t imagine being with, I was pushed away by the people I love and people I didn’t know, I spent most of my little days left in my country being with the happiest people I know, I left my hometown and said goodbye to the most wonderful people I’ve met and grew up with, I struggled between right and wrong, I was betrayed, I lost someone I love because of death, I felt lonely and lost and was heart broken. I somehow can’t explain how I truly feel anymore, about myself, and I try not to blame these things as to why I feel so numb now. I know that I should keep a positive mind especially now that a new year is coming up. It’s about time for me to let go of 2012, it’s about time for me to welcome better memories…

My Angel

Hi, Mama. I never really got to write you a letter in my notebook because I didn’t know where and how to start it and if I did I know I’d probably fill the whole notebook with all your stories, but I really miss you Ma. I hope you are resting well up there. I wish I could hug you right now. I miss it when I was little because I get to hug your soft belly and your unconditional kisses everywhere were the best, especially that certain sound you make with your nose when you kiss me. You’re my angel now Ma and I know that where ever I go, you will always be with me, in my heart forever. I love you always.

MAMA

I had this horrible dream once when I was little. I was in the cemetery, crying and looking at a coffin. I already knew who was in it so I tossed a yellow flower before it was about to be buried with dirt. I woke up trying to catch my heartbeat and realized I was crying for real. Ever since I had that dream, you would always tell me that you’d still watch over me if you do pass away but you’d pray to God that He doesn’t take you away until I graduate college. I never liked it when you talked about your death. I was so young back then when you told me all these. It’s hard to believe that you really did wait for me to graduate. Today is your burial and I hate not being able to see you before you go.

You always tell me to take care of myself wherever I go, but it should have been me telling you to take care of yourself more. I'll never forget that day I said goodbye to you before I left the Philippines. I stopped by your place and found you outside walking to buy shampoo. I miss you, Mama. You will always be remembered in my heart and you will always be my Mama. Thank you for taking care of me since I was a baby. I wish I could have been there for you more often. I know that you can finally rest in peace. No more walking around the city, okay? I love you.